How to Kill the Planet in 8 Easy Steps!

3 12 2017

dinosaur-fuelAfter billions of years, I think it’s about time that we realize that this planet that we reside on is truly only here to do our bidding. As such, I think we need to show it who’s boss. I am American, after all, so domination is the only solution. The problem? Well, the only problem is that those lazy dinosaurs didn’t last longer, and so we are running low on their decomposed corpse energy, so therefore, the Earth must pay!

I know what you’re thinking. “How will I make time to properly destroy the planet? I’ve got soccer practice at 6pm!” Don’t worry, I will show you just how easy it can be to decimate the third rock from the sun, without impacting your schedule. Rest assured, no shin-kicking snots will go without their juice boxes… in fact, that’s part of the destructive fun!


In an effort to expedite to modern society’s 7 second attention span, I’ll even put it in the form of a list that can’t be divisible by five, because we all know that will get shared on social media more. So, without further adieu, here are the…

8 Easy Steps to Killing the Planet

#1. Avoid Using Your Legs

We all know how annoying it is to have to walk up a flight of stairs when the elevator is broken. Now people expect us to walk to lunch too?!? No way! Walking is too healthy, and might make your legs more muscley. We all know that our future is Wall-E, and the fashion trends are going to be more blobular. Therefore, we need to start practicing now if we ever hope to be in shape for space season! Plus, walking doesn’t burn ANY fossil fuels. What fun is that?


hummerWhat you need to do is focus on doing everything humanly possible with a large hunk of steel surrounding you. Ideally, you want to do it alone. Taking the bus is a cop out. Go get in one of your cars, preferably a large SUV, and drive to lunch. Don’t get sucked into making other stops along the way because it would be more efficient. The bank can wait. Make sure that you take a separate trip for EVERY place you need to go! This way, you are able to burn as many dead dinosaurs as possible! Die, you bastards!!

futuristic-car-gadgetsPro Tip: Be sure to crank your heat/AC, charge your phone while using Google maps, blast your radio while simultaneously playing 4 movies on separate tablets, and turn on every overhead light in your car. This way, you can use just a skosh more energy!


#2 Use as Much Plastic as Humanly Possible

plastic recycling_636032246920960325The future is plastic. So is the past. Because plastic is made from… dead dinosaurs!!! Yay! The only thing better than that, is that plastic will NEVER biodegrade, which means that all 300 million tons of it produced each year will just keep building up in our landfills, oceans, and streets! Awesomesauce!




What more can you do to help drown our planet in plastic?

Did you go to a restaurant today? Of course you did. Did they bring you a drink? You betcha! Did they forget to bring you a straw? WHAT?!?! That straw is a tiny but critical piece of our master plan! You simply must demand a piece of plastic to sip your beverage through every single time. How else would we accumulate  enough to clog drains and kill animals? If your waiter doesn’t know better, be sure to kindly request that they always bring guests a straw, and not to even offer an option to go without. It would just be tragic if someone’s lips had to touch that sterilized glass.


rKpPCocDid you know that you can also ask for your grossly oversized portions to go? Better yet, that toxic styrofoam (the best kind of plastic there is because it is entirely impossible to recycle!) will come in a plastic bag! Plastic bags are really the highest honor you can bestow upon the earth, as their elusively thin material makes them guaranteed to fly out of the beds of trucks, soaring into the air, where they can catch on tree branches, land on fences, or, ideally, float away down a river, to become part of the world’s 5 oceanic gyres. What’s a gyre, you will ask? Well, this is really a perfect bedtime story for your kids. A gyre is a magical place, far, far away, where allll the world’s plastic ends up. It’s a mystical place, where the currents swirl around an iceberg made of plastic, and the lonely plastic bag reunites with all of its ancestors, which break down into smaller and smaller bits, but never completely go away. So it’ll be there for generations to come! Now, there is a sad part to the plastic gyres. Some plastic does disappear, when it gets swallowed by birds and fish. Then their bellies get full of inedible garbage, and they die. So it does have a happy ending!


plastic platesWhat else can you do with plastic? Well… everything! Vote with your dollars! You can purchase products that are wrapped in plastic. Be sure to avoid items with minimal packaging. You can also make sure to be individual sized servings instead of buying in bulk. Costco is for losers! (Unless you can buy massive quantities of individually wrapped items. Then it’s okay.) You can also ensure an ongoing supply of plastic by using disposable goods whenever possible. Plastic razors? Check. Unrefillable pens? Check! Red Solo cups for that party next week? Check and check! Dishwashing is lame. Why do you even own dishes? You could just buy plastic plates and forks and never have to wash dishes again!! Genius!

Pro Tip: What’s the best way to up the ante on your single use plastic plates? YES! Good job! Styrofoam is truly the best option because it’s cheapness is made up for with the fact that it cannot accidentally be recycled, so you can sleep easy knowing that your good deeds can’t be undone.

platic ringPlastic is forever. Seriously. For-ev-er. You should really consider replacing that engagement ring with a plastic one. It’s a much more romantic and meaningful gesture. Then, once you get married and have more babies than required to replace you on the planet, be sure to buy the next generation nothing but plastic toys to play with!



plastic bottlesLast but not least, the tried and true way to incorporate plastic into your daily habits is… the ubiquitous plastic water bottle! Can you believe that our parents grew up drinking water from the tap??? Heathens! We know now that companies can put that precious water inside plastic, and charge us way more money! Yay capitalism! Do your part by refusing to use a refillable bottle. Better yet, take your costco bottled water bounty everywhere you go, and offer it for free to other people! You’re guaranteed to be popular! At home, at work, or on the go, you’ll never be without BPAs or water, unlike those poor people in Africa who walk 4 miles to the river to get water. You should ship them bottled water too! See what a good person you are?!? Mother Teresa’s got nothing on you, hot shot!


#3 Gobblety Gook

Did you think I was going to give you all 8 tips at once??? Silly human! Nah, I’m going to drag this out until I get my book deal.




How to Avoid an Unintentional ‘Man Cave’

3 01 2016

To help out a friend, we offered to come take a look at her house. This DIY homeowner was concerned about the noticeable slope in the kitchen floor, and had mentioned that she wanted to hire a structural engineer to come look at it to make sure that she wasn’t about to invest a lot of time and money into renovating just to have a major structural collapse. We offered to take a look for them, and here is what we discovered lurking in the basement.

Making an Old Door Work Again

21 12 2015

Check out our video clip below!

You know that the MOST sustainable way to build a building, is not to build at all. Construction is horrible for the environment, and so much perfectly usable stuff gets sent straight to the landfill in favor of something new and shiny. In some cases, this makes sense, but wherever possible, we try to breathe new life into the historic elements of an old home.

Here, we are renovating an 1890s duplex, and we discovered that the original 8 ft. tall door was hiding behind an added screen door frame. So, instead of replacing the door, we worked to keep it. We added a new keyless entry system and a reinforced steel jamb for security. But, as with most renos, nothing goes perfectly the first time. So, as I was walking up to the project house on this day, I found Bethany grinding away on a cold December day, determined to make it work!



Carpet Tile at su Casa?

21 12 2015

Check out our video clip below!

The renovation is getting closer and closer to completion!! It’s very exciting when we start getting to the paint and finishes. One thing we are excited about now is completing the bedroom.

Typically, it’s nice to have a warmer, softer flooring in the bedroom, not only for keeping your toes warm over those cold winter months, but also for some acoustical privacy, because softer fabrics absorb more sound than hard surfaces that reflect sound waves.

Instead of a traditional broadloom carpet, which requires professional installation to get is stretched into place, we are using carpet tiles. You may not be familiar with carpet tiles, but they’ve been used for eons in commercial buildings, like offices. Why is the residential market so slow to catch on to the wonders of carpet tile? I have no clue. But, I’m going to share with you the secret awesomeness of this wonderful product!


Tiling Tips

21 12 2015

Check out our video clip below!

If you know us, you know that we are both uber geeks about planning and being organized. Seriously… our spreadsheets have made love and created tiny spreadsheet babies.

This comes in mighty handy when working on a renovation project, especially when you have helping hands that may not know the project as well as you think you do. So, Bethany decided to share a couple of ‘Life Hacks’ (aka “tips” circa 1998) that might help your project to go a little smoother!


Silly for Schluter

21 12 2015

Check out our video clip below!

Sometimes I think we have too much fun on our projects! Enjoy this ridiculous outtake of Bethany being slap happy after we worked late into the night laying the Schluter Ditra tile backer.

It was our first time using this product, though it’s been around for years. I actually used cement board in the bathroom, because that’s what I’ve always used, but when we fell behind on our renovation schedule, we decided to give this a try to see if it lived up to the hype. In short- we LOVE it!!


Ditching Cement Board

21 12 2015

Check out our video clip below!

If you’ve installed tile in the past, you’ve likely used the traditional method of cutting 1/2″ thick slabs of mesh-embedded cement board, which is heavy, dusty, and difficult to handle. It requires either power tools to cut, or an entire bucket of razor blades. Then you have to drill holes through your backer (and the separate waterproof membrane you installed below it).

After many, many tiling projects, we have finally decided to try out the newer flexible tile backer products. It’s supposed to install much faster, and we needed to make up some time on our project schedule, so we wrenched open our wallets and decided to give it a whirl.

We quickly learn how easy it is to use and install. With no screw holes, greater cushion, and more flexibility to adapt to the unpredictability of old houses, I’m very pleased with the initial results. We will see over time how the cushioned support works to prevent tile cracking in the future. At this point, I don’t think we will be going back to cement board unless we really need that added 1/2″ of floor height, or miss the smell of cement dust in the morning!


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